Diary of Scary Flo
Whatever would Scary Flo have in common with the Duchess of York you may ask?
Hmm, those of you who could immediately visualise some financial advisor
dreamily closing his lips around Flo`s much gnarled big toe, think again and
read on -
Scary Flo … The Journal
At Christmas my daughter told me I looked like a Big Blubbery Whale. That
was it. Weight Watchers was coming to Cranfield and they assured me it would
be a mixed membership. I could join knowing that I would be with friends.
After queuing - just like my service days - I was given a number and had to
divulge my life history … not a pretty sight. There were short, tall, old,
young and a variety of shapes amongst the ladies, but only one male …
Jeffrey. It looked like Jeff was going to have be my friend.
The boss lady welcomed me and asked two questions:
1. Why had I joined Weight Watchers?
2. What was my aim?
I looked her straight in the eye and told her …
1. I wanted to become an eight stone weakling
2. I must be able to get into my 1964 sailors uniform since I`d been invited
to a Royal Navy cake, rum and beer party.
So here we go …
WEEK 1. As I stepped onto the weighing machine a light flashed, a bell rang
and when my weight lit up some members sniggered. I also noticed the ladies
weighed in with all their heavy winter coats and boots on - we were told
that removing a garment a week helped with their weight loss.
WEEK 2. Most members had lost one to six pounds. Jeffrey was awarded the
first Silver Star for losing half a stone (it just had to be a man). Poor
Anthea … she puts weight on saying she had five business lunches this week.
Some members tried to cheer her up but I`m sure some gloated.
At the membership talk our leader explained the `Points and Portion` system
we were to use along with a `Tracking Sheet`. All food imput must be weighed.
The boss told us to use a teaspoon to measure rather than a ladle. I did
question the size of a portion. As a heavy I was allowed 30 points.
WEEK 3. Tesco shopping was a nightmare. All food checked and rechecked, in
and out of basket and then transferred to points … And what do points make?
At the members talk in another ten silver stars were awarded but Anthea
still hadn't lost any weight. We was told how to save points for special
nights out or when we were going to 'rat out'. Chrissy asked how many points
to save 'cos she was going to an "Eat as much as you can for a fiver" party
… Huh, the look she got from the boss could have terminated a calorie there
and then. Boss said "Pickers would need bigger knickers!" Gwen said "Thank
goodness for stretch elastic." The final helpful hint our boss lady gave us
was … Use every Monday as 'Treat Night'. I didn`t ask her if THAT was
limited as well or if you could save points if THAT was what she meant.
WEEK 4. What a night! The group had lost 45 stone so far. How we cheered
and clapped … Anthea was close to tears, where is she gong wrong?
Tonight's talk was how we could earn extra points if we swam, ran, jogged,
walked or took part in any other exercise. Susie asked if SEX earned any
points and then claimed two per day. Willy, her loved one, just smiled and
walked away.
WEEK 5. Another first! Jeffrey was awarded the Gold Key Ring - that`s for
losing ten percent of your body weight - but how the members made him
suffer. They said that …
1. Men always lose weight faster.
2. Men didn`t have babies (that one puzzled me a bit).
3. Men didn`t have hot and cold flushes.
4. Men didn`t have hormone problems.
5. Men didn`t have that week (if you know what I mean).
Jeffrey was only going by what the book said.
At the Team Talk we were given a `Low Fat` cook book. Our boss had cooked an
apple pie (we all licked our lips) and it was shown to members then binned …
She`s a hard boss.
WEEK 6. A scream from the weigh in. Anthea lost her first 1/2lb and how she
celebrated. Out came a cream cake and a Mars Bar from her pocket - she
insisted they were low fat.
It was treat time. Clarice had cooked a PRUNE cake and each member given a
portion (worth 1 point).
I`ve had a bigger smartie but I was lucky `cos there was a stone in my
portion. What will Clarice cook next from her food bible?
WEEK 7. It`s getting harder. Our boss gives us the rallying cry, four new
male members join. Jeffrey hears good news … A second Gold Key Ring awarded
yet again to a man. "It`s the first time in years he`s seen his manhood
without a mirror" remarked one of the girls … How cruel.
WEEK 8. The first lady is awarded `Gold Key Ring` along with at least 20
more `Silver Star` awards. Yes, Weight Watchers is working, or is it?
Looking around I notice the members clothes are hanging loosley, a visit to
Milton Keynes looks on for many, but now I have another problem … I`m still
unable to squeeze into my uniform the boss lady says I must try harder
WEEK 9. It`s been a bad week. A close friend visited me and remarked how
tired and ill I looked ans what a mess I looked with that loose hanging
skin, it`s making me look so old.
She advised me to visit a cosmetic surgeon - telling me, for a grand, he
could do a `nip and tuck` job on my chins, belly and ankles. Off I went for
more bad news …
I had too much loose skin he said but for five grand he would give me a
`slit roll` and `double stitch` explaining that he could cut the skin and
roll it around my face,waist and legs then double stitch it. This would
allow for future expansion - effin cheek!
I can`t stand anymore. I`ve packed my uniform kitbag and hammock. Portsmouth
here I come. I`ve done everything the boss lady said .. exercised and saved
points. Now I`m going back for a lump of Navy cake, a tot or eight of rum
and a barrel of beer.
See you Monday Weight Watchers …
Flo, the racing snake